Stages of Healing - Denial and Blame

Psychological Stages of Healing -
Denial and Blame Psychology

STAGE I - DENIAL I deny that I have a problem. I just drink a few glasses of wine every day to soothe my nerves. I paste a smile on my face and pretend I am not bothered by my spouse, children, boss or parents. My mild depression seems normal and OK.

This stage is often confusing. Am I really in denial of a problem or is my lack of concern caused by the fact that I really don't have a problem? In either case, anger on your part will probably be unsuccessful in getting me to change. For if I am denying a real problem, my denial is already defensive. Anger by you then will often just make me more defensive and less willing to listen to you. If your anger is directed at my non-problem, your anger is just going to seem foolish to me. I am then likely to conclude that you are the one with a problem that needs solving.

STAGE II - BLAME / HELPLESSNESS I deny any fixable problem (i.e., fixable by me). I have a problem but there is nothing I can do about it; because it is all your fault, because I tried once to change it without success, because that is the way life is, because everyone is the same as me, etc. But I do admit I have a problem. This is often the stage of righteousness, judgments and anger that serve to keep me preoccupied with what I believe you should be doing rather than face my own discomfort. I often claim that it is impossible to change my unhappiness and anger until you change. If there is one stage that most represents the USA in the late 1980s and early 1990s, it is this stage. It seems as if each group is placing blame on outsiders for its problems and difficulties, thus dodging individual and collective responsibilities for changing group insiders. We have often convinced ourselves that others need to change before happiness is possible for us. Suppose they never change? Are we then not locking ourselves into perpetual unhappiness? The choice to be "happy" instead of "right" is frequently encountered and often difficult to make. I believe this blaming righteous stage has been useful and necessary, for we have learned that anger and speaking out are OK. But I believe we will be harmed if we remain there much longer. It is also the unhappiest stage of healing.

Thnx

Jignesh Parekh

RECOMMENDED GOAL OF THERAPY: INNER PEACE

The following excerpt is from the self help
psychology book, Be Your Own Therapist.

While the dictionary defines therapy in terms of healing, there is significant disagreement about the meaning of healing in therapy. For some it implies one or more of the following: behavior change, symptom reduction, improved self-esteem or happily-ever-after. Some have therapeutic goals of a long-term committed relationship or a job with a good income (whatever $$$ that may mean). Instead of any of these goals, I suggest one longterm goal: inner peace. (This could also be phrased as happiness or contentment.)

For us to achieve inner peace, it is vital that it be a high priority goal. If it is not, we tend to flounder in the never ending seasons of our discontent. For much more on achieving happiness and inner peace congruent with the ideas of this paragraph, I strongly recommend Kaufman's Happiness Is a Choice. Those who do achieve contentedness seem to have traveled other growth paths to the extent that they also exhibit (1)personal authenticity, (2)a heightened ability to be present in the moment, and (3)a lack of judgments of others. To be lacking authenticity, to be often stuck in the past/ future or to be critical of others seems to prevent contentedness.

Other goals that seem reasonable may have flaws. If my unconscious lifeplan (see Chapter 8) is to meet with lifemate Jane in three years, then any therapy goal I have to meet my lifemate next week must fail. Assume my lifeplan is to work on any of my difficulties (addictions, being overweight, phobias, self-esteem, relationship struggles, etc.) with a particular person five years from now. Then therapy in that particular area today will fail if I attempt to resolve any difficulties that are a part of my future lifeplan. Some so-called "failures in therapy" may be nothing of the sort. They may be evidence of an overriding lifeplan that doesn't allow resolution of that problem now.

If you avoid any specific feeling long enough, it will come to dominate you. You will be fearful and live your life as if some shark below were poised for attack. Feel the feeling and that shark disappears.

Our goals in life often require revision once we start therapy. We have all received societal training in having outer-directed goals such as money, job, car, house, relationship, status and power. Outer-directed goals are often the ones most appropriate for us, particularly before we reach our thirties. As we grow older, many of our goals need to change to inner-directed being goals (see next paragraph). It is important not to judge others' goals as wrong. There are 50-year-olds who may be appropriately for them pursuing money, status, etc., as part of a higher-self lifeplan for the pursuit of money or status.

Adult goals that will usually give many of us more contentment and happiness are inner-directed being goals: being contented, being authentic, being accepting, being present, being honest, being aware, being powerful (in positive ways), being influential (in positive ways), being creative, being sexual, being loving, being grateful, being ourselves, enjoying laughter, enjoying humor and honoring our emotions.

                                                       ~~~~~~Jignesh Parekh~~~~~~~

SPONTANEITY, CREATIVITY.

SPONTANEITY, CREATIVITY, PLAYFULNESS, FUN & LAUGHTER

Can you get more of these sparkling qualities into your life without painful therapy? Typically, yes! There are ways to maximize them, often without having to delve into old traumas that lurk within. This chapter provides generally painless ways to promote the treasures of spontaneity, creativity, playfulness, fun and laughter.

Don't wait for some day in the future to start on your road to creativity and spontaneity. Now is the best time to start, while it is on your mind.

As it is now, when therapy is over, people have frequently just become less unhappy. Often missing is the sparkle that emanates from people who are in the business of fully living their lives. Part of the reason for this is that therapists rarely, if ever, receive any training in how to elicit sparkle. One assumption by some therapies and therapists is that once clients face trauma in treatment those shining attributes will somehow automatically emerge. The obvious lack of those attributes in many who are post-therapy points out that assumption's fallacy. In fact, a frequent conflict of my clients (most of whom have been in therapy before) has been the desire for more of these qualities versus the reluctance to permit their full emergence. Such reluctance stems from both fear and ignorance.

                 ~~~~~~~~jignesh Parekh~~~~~~~~~